Last night Rasmus and I had planned to meet up for the first time in about a month. He writes me and asks if we shouldn't take a walk first, which was the first sign that something was wrong, because when we take walks, it's usually a little later in the night. He comes to the door and we kiss for about half a minute, where he gives me this sort of tender hug while kissing me. Almost immidiatly when we are in the street he tells me he has a plan for this walk and that he needs to tell me that he's sadly not in love with me. I'd had a feeling it was that kind of walk we were taking, so I'd prepared myself for this exact thing, but it still didn't hurt any less. He tells me he's so angry with himself, because I'm such a wonderful girl and that I'm exactly what he's been looking for the last three years, but that there's just one little thing missing, the love. When I'd asked him back in November what we were, he'd said that he didn't want to call us boyfriend/girlfriend, yet, because at that point it could have gone both ways. The reason why we hadn't seen each other since December 7th wasn't that he knew he was going to break up with me back then because he didn't know at that point. He was still confused, but because of his assignment he hadn't time to think any deeper about what was going on. He said that when he had gone to Nice with his family on December 27th he'd finally got the chance to think everything through and he's come to the comclusion that he simply wasn't in love with me and that it wouldn't be fair to me to let it go on to see *if* he *would* fall in the longer run, because what if he didn't, but I kept falling? Then we'd be even more screwed. We'd had a date on the 26th to just see each other before he left for Nice and I asked him if it was this kind of date, but he told me that, no, then it had just been a cuddling/kissing-thing. I don't even want to think about how messed up I would be now if I *had* seen him then. I mean, when I saw him yesterday it was the first time in a month, so that kind of eased the blow a little, but it still hurt *like hell!*
We walked around a lake together and I asked him about a few of the text messages that had confused me. I had been more or less ready for this over Christmas when he didn't write me, but then he suddenly changes and writes all these nice things to me. On New Years Eve he wrote me that it would have been nice to try and kiss me with frozen lips. The rest of the walk we talked about nothing important, Christmas, New Years, exams. I told him that Larua had said in November that I shouldn't break up with him because we could use him to proof-read our Methods paper, after which he told me that he would be more than happy to do that, I should just mail it to him. He kept being so nice to me... He said he'd walked by my neighbours' house five times because he couldn't muster up he courage to knock on my door. He said he'd been afraid of my reactions, but it was *me* so of course he should have been expecting a perfect reaction such as this. My reaction was to say that I'd known it was coming and "that's life" and sigh a lot, but inside I was *breaking apart*. I looked at him about half way and his face looked so screwed up and he wouldn't look me in the eyes. He said that I should say hi to my sister (they'd kinda bonded over time), to which I said that he was probably not in her good book. He followed me to my street, but not the door, because he didn't want to look my parents in the eyes. I got this really long hug, which I would have liked to last a lot longer, but I just couldn't be near him any more. We said goodbye and I went directly to my sister and cried for an hour straight. I wrote somce of my friends and cried some more. My sister checked my phone and so many had written back (*huggles vampirespider
*). Maria and Rebekka invited themselves over with ice cream and chocolate milk and I talked and cried with them until 2:30 in the morning.
I almost didn't come to school today, but my mom said it would be good for me to think of something else. Everyone have been so nice to me today and hugged and kissed me and made me feel better, but several times I've just started to silently cry. Including now, right here in the GIS lab.
I'm not okay, but I will be eventually. I knew it was coming, but it's still hard. He's such a wonderful person and he did it in the best way I could have imagined it. He looked like he really cared about me and I think he did. I just don't want him to walk out of my life like that. I'll need some time to get over him, but I really hope we can be friends in the long run, because he's *so great!*
I love you all. More than you know.