happy thoughts!!

Long time, no update (yet again).

Only thing really worth updating about is that I've gotten a job. I'll be helping in closing down Københavns Amt, which will close at Christmas time, so my job will be more or less what I did at Lind Cadovius, copying, filing, but also working with databases and stuff like that. Boring, but I like it. I start tomorrow, actually, so I'm a bit excited.

Oh, yes. I went to my gynocologist, who did a sample on me. Turns out I have abnormal cells, which is the first stage towards cancer in the uterus, but it could also just be, well, abnormal cells. The only thing I'll have to do is get another test done in 6 months, so I'm pretty cool about it. I should be alright ;)

I've started doing Pilates with Kathrine and I can already feel it working after four times, so I'm happy about that. I think I'll buy a pair of rollerskates to get my excercise as well (because I don't get much...)

Apparently Clara ran into my ex, Rasmus, yesterday at a club and because she is who she is she started a conversation. He apparently thought the entire house hated him (mostly me) and was glad when Clara said that no one did. He told her that he'd phoned me at some point and because I hadn't called back he'd thought I wouldn't want any contact with him at all, so I think I'll send him a text message at some point today. Could be fun being friends with him. But, as Clara said, "he's so hot...!!", so maybe it will be a bit hard... But he really is such a sweetheart, he always was :)

I think that's all for me for now. I'm enjoying the sun to the fullest, I have read my homework outside for three days now and I already have a pretty good tan. Yay!!

Sorry to be spamming your flist like this *is embarrased*

I just wrote Rasmus a text message telling him that I'm going to survive and that I don't hate him. It's weird waiting for his response yet again... That's the thing I liked the least about the last three months - the lack of writing me back and the hours spent with my cell phone in my pocket, waiting for him to write.

But it's no use thinking of bad things! I just saw "Love Actually" and it's such a sweet and wonderful movie you can't help being in a good mood.

I've won a week's worth of free training in a gym I've been thinking about joining. It has to be used before February 1st, so now I just need to get a grip on myself and get down there, because I really want to get in shame. I haven't done anything physically (*cough*) since high school and that's 1½ years ago, so I *really* need to start doing something actively and training in a gym has always appealed to me

I am close to being over Rasmus (I'm thinking about 75%), but it's still hard when there's a group *right next to me* who are discussing logical positivism - Rasmus' favorite subject. The constant reminder of not getting to hear him talk for half an hour (again) about how the positivists got together in the 30's and...yeah, I don't know. but can't they just shut up or wait until I've left? "Neopositivism, is that the same as logical positivism?" Gaaah!

I'm at uni with Andreas and Katherine to try and figure out exactly what to do with our assignment. It's quite hard when you are in the middle of developing a head cold. Or sinus infection. Whatever floats your boat. All I knwo is that I can't think straight and I can't hear on my left ear. Woot...

I want to go home and drink tea.

I'm doing much better today - I haven't even felt an urge to cry yet, which is a victory in it self. Thanks for the songrecs yesterday, they really helped. Sofie, I'm guessing you sent me that Shubidua-song? I used to listen to them for *hours* every day when I was younger, so that song really cheered me up!

We started our theme project today, solving the motorway problem from Århus to Herning, through or near Silkeborg. Do you weigh the city or nature (ie. Gudendalsåen) the highest? Should be a lot of fun, plus I'm writing with Kathrine, Jesper and Andreas, so that couldn't be any better.

Tonight I'll be all by myself, watching Apocalypse Now, which I'm really looking forward to.

Oooh! Maria and I went to look at some apartments yesterday and we applied for both of them! We'll probably not get any of them, but now we've really started applying and everything. It's so weird...

Last night Rasmus and I had planned to meet up for the first time in about a month. He writes me and asks if we shouldn't take a walk first, which was the first sign that something was wrong, because when we take walks, it's usually a little later in the night. He comes to the door and we kiss for about half a minute, where he gives me this sort of tender hug while kissing me. Almost immidiatly when we are in the street he tells me he has a plan for this walk and that he needs to tell me that he's sadly not in love with me. I'd had a feeling it was that kind of walk we were taking, so I'd prepared myself for this exact thing, but it still didn't hurt any less. He tells me he's so angry with himself, because I'm such a wonderful girl and that I'm exactly what he's been looking for the last three years, but that there's just one little thing missing, the love. When I'd asked him back in November what we were, he'd said that he didn't want to call us boyfriend/girlfriend, yet, because at that point it could have gone both ways. The reason why we hadn't seen each other since December 7th wasn't that he knew he was going to break up with me back then because he didn't know at that point. He was still confused, but because of his assignment he hadn't time to think any deeper about what was going on. He said that when he had gone to Nice with his family on December 27th he'd finally got the chance to think everything through and he's come to the comclusion that he simply wasn't in love with me and that it wouldn't be fair to me to let it go on to see *if* he *would* fall in the longer run, because what if he didn't, but I kept falling? Then we'd be even more screwed. We'd had a date on the 26th to just see each other before he left for Nice and I asked him if it was this kind of date, but he told me that, no, then it had just been a cuddling/kissing-thing. I don't even want to think about how messed up I would be now if I *had* seen him then. I mean, when I saw him yesterday it was the first time in a month, so that kind of eased the blow a little, but it still hurt *like hell!*

We walked around a lake together and I asked him about a few of the text messages that had confused me. I had been more or less ready for this over Christmas when he didn't write me, but then he suddenly changes and writes all these nice things to me. On New Years Eve he wrote me that it would have been nice to try and kiss me with frozen lips. The rest of the walk we talked about nothing important, Christmas, New Years, exams. I told him that Larua had said in November that I shouldn't break up with him because we could use him to proof-read our Methods paper, after which he told me that he would be more than happy to do that, I should just mail it to him. He kept being so nice to me... He said he'd walked by my neighbours' house five times because he couldn't muster up he courage to knock on my door. He said he'd been afraid of my reactions, but it was *me* so of course he should have been expecting a perfect reaction such as this. My reaction was to say that I'd known it was coming and "that's life" and sigh a lot, but inside I was *breaking apart*. I looked at him about half way and his face looked so screwed up and he wouldn't look me in the eyes. He said that I should say hi to my sister (they'd kinda bonded over time), to which I said that he was probably not in her good book. He followed me to my street, but not the door, because he didn't want to look my parents in the eyes. I got this really long hug, which I would have liked to last a lot longer, but I just couldn't be near him any more. We said goodbye and I went directly to my sister and cried for an hour straight. I wrote somce of my friends and cried some more. My sister checked my phone and so many had written back (*huggles vampirespider*). Maria and Rebekka invited themselves over with ice cream and chocolate milk and I talked and cried with them until 2:30 in the morning.

I almost didn't come to school today, but my mom said it would be good for me to think of something else. Everyone have been so nice to me today and hugged and kissed me and made me feel better, but several times I've just started to silently cry. Including now, right here in the GIS lab.

I'm not okay, but I will be eventually. I knew it was coming, but it's still hard. He's such a wonderful person and he did it in the best way I could have imagined it. He looked like he really cared about me and I think he did. I just don't want him to walk out of my life like that. I'll need some time to get over him, but I really hope we can be friends in the long run, because he's *so great!*

I love you all. More than you know.

I just remembered Michael expression at our Christmas Lunch when someone said that I's been seeing someone for two months. Let me just say that his silence spoke volumes! "Oh, really. I didn't know," and a really surprised look on his face. Remember, Michael was the guy who I hooked up with at a Friday bar and who said that he wouldn't sleep with me (uhm... I hadn't really thought about that until you brought it up). I don't know, I think he always kind of assumed that I'd always be one of the girls in his massive harem, but I have really not thought about him like that since...September. Wow, had it really been that long? Well, anyways. I loved that moment and I will think back on it and smile in many years to come. Muhahah!

Oh, and that ihatemen.com post earlier? Just ignore that. I think the birth control pills are staring to take over my system and that this was the first sign. Just so you know ;)

And, yes, I do know that it's 02:43 in the morning. I am well aware of the fact and I am indeed going to bed now. 2+ chapters of statistics to be read tomorrow...

Ended up not reading any more yesterday, but, yeah. It happens... Tomorrow is yet another day ;)

Rasmus ended up drinking all night, by which he means "at about 4 am we went to Martin's place with a 12-pack and then I can't really remember any more". So, yeah. Heavy drinking, but I'm okay with that, which Rebekka thinks is really weird. "You're more understanding than me", but, really, why shouldn't I be understanding about a thing like this? It's totally normal for a 21-year-old to drink (and smoke *cough*) all night with his friend. Tonight he's going to a play (a play? It's "Gynt", so I don't really know what to call it) with some friends and he hasn't answered my question about meeting up this week yet. Tomorrow night I have family visiting (probably not for longer than 8 or 9) and Thursday I have made semi-plans with Nicole and the other girls, so I'm kinda running out of time. I need answers!

Went shopping with Line today. She ended up buying a single thing and I all the gifts I was supposed to. This is turning out to be an expensive Christmas... We went to my house afterwards and really just did nothing the entire day. We goofed around like we did in high school. Seriously, if I'd been Rasmus and she his friends, we'd lie around smoking weed while doing it, that's the kind of "nothing" I'm talking about. Watching weird TV shows, re-discovering bastard pop, listening to old theme songs (MacGyver, where have you been!?) and eating chips. Yes, we really are productive.

Tomorrow, reading and *hopefully* see Rasmus, but I don't know... He'll probably have some kind of hang-over, just as he had today. I miss kissing the living daylights out of him. I miss him, god dammit!

I thought it was time for a little update :)

Thursday: Skipped some classes, because I really don't get anything out of going this kind of lecture. Got a chance to talk to vampirespider, which I really hadn't done when we met on Monday, so that was really nice :) I had gotten my hopes up about possibly drinking coffee with Rasmus, but he had wrecked his plug socket, so that kinda went out the window. *But* the Christmas Lunch was wonderful and I think everyone had a lot of fun. Didn't get too drunk, but I ended up losing my voice because I had to toast Kathrine all the time in a game we played, and Alchohol + Shouting => Teresa with no voice. At about 2 am Laura and I went home after 8 hours of goofing off and talking. Yay!

Friday: No hangover! But no voice either. Went to my doctors appointment and I ended up getting the Full Exam. As in, "now I'll gently insert this foreign object into your vagina". But, yeah, it was too bad and she was really nice about it. Went to two pharmacists after that. The first to get my birth control pills and the other to get a pregnancy text, because at this point it was a week late (turned out to be negative, so, yay!). Spent all day with Rebekka, who tried to calm me down (before I took it) and I ended up buying a really wonderful pair of jeans Woot! And they're size 36! (which is 6/8 in USA/UK, I think). A few years ago I was a 40, so this is really fantastic! Went to Friday Bar at 7:30 pm and it was so much fun! All my girlies were there and we had a blast! Kathrine had once again brought the girl who held the party where I met Rasmus and she is just so nice *loves Julie*. Goofed around with Asta and Thomas. Rasmus had said he'd like to come out of his apartment, so he might come, but he ended up falling asleep, so he didn't come (which made Saturday a mild Fourth Day, for some reason). A guy both Kathrine and I have kissed (and been asked to go his place) made passes at both of us and Kathrine ended up making out with him after we'd all left. She didn't do more than that, even though she'd told me she wanted to (luckily! He is *so not worth it!).

Saturday: Cleaned up the house and held a Christmas cosiness-thingie for my dad's family. Was pretty nice :) Went to Rebekka's apartment and *really* goofed around with Line, Maria, Nicole and her. Her place was so cold, so we all huddled up in her bed with three blankets and two cakes and read her "ladies magazines" (which means naughty stories, dildo tests and tips and tricks. A lot of laughing was done!). They all ended up going out, but I couldn't really find the energy, so I went home at about midnight. Was stopped by the police on my way home, because I was driving with no lights, but luckily I'd brought them (just forgotten to put them on) and *didn't* get a 500 kr fine! Apparently Line scored tonight, but none of them are answering my text messages (and neither is Rasmus. I'm feeling lonely now!).

Oh, and about the whole pregnancy thing: I got my period last night, eight days late. That made me say a little prayer. Now, birth control pills.

Franz Ferdinand concert was perfect. Timo's friends gave him the most perfect gay gifts, including a box full of pink, glittery things and a box of liquorice peni. Yes, he loved them. Then we went to KB Hallen and listened to the warm up-band, Arctic Monkeys, who rocked my socks. Unfortunately their album comes out in January, so no Christmas present there. And then Franz came out. Woot! They are *so* my favorite band. They played all my favourite songs (Michael! Yay!) and play all in all for 90 minutes, so all was well. Then I went home and ate soup.

Yesterday was spent on nothing but doing nothing. Watched Liverpool and Schalke win their respective matches and tried to read some geomorphology, but to no success. Maria came by at 11 PM and we just sat, talking for four hours, which was nice. I've told her things about Rasmus that I haven't told anyone else. It felt nice...

Today I've studied most of the day, statistics and geomorphology. I've cleaned, watched 10 mins of football and tried to catch up on current events. Have also texted with various people, including Rasmus (surprise, surprise). He has a lot of work to do on the project until they hand it in. On the 20th. Which means that if we don't find a few hours this week to see each other, we won't see each other for *three* weeks this time. Gaah!! Plus, my parents are going to spend some days in their summer house between Christmas and New Years, so I thought, "hey, we could kick my sister out of the house", but no, because he's going to France until the 30th. Life is just a bit sucky right now... *sigh* I wanna see Rasmus, god dammit!!

Ow, and my stomach hurts. I hope I'm not pregnant *period senses the stress and decides to wait a few more days to turn up*

ETA: And now I'm crying. I just miss him so god damned much! It's so horrible and scary and I don't know what to do about it. I can't concentrate on anything. I should be cleaning up, but I can't get myself to do it

ETA #2: When needing something/someone? Google is your friend. Seriously. I only feel slightly stalker-ish. The guy with now shirt

Oh, no. I can feel that I'll be listening to this song a lot in the future. And it's *Carola*, god dammit!!!

Oh, well..

*dances*

Voice not quite back yet. No, let me rephrase that. I went to university today and people laughed at how poorly I sounded, so, yeah. Voice is crap.

Tonight I was supposed to have gone to the FC Copenhagen-Brøndby (arch rivals of Copenhagen) match, but my mom won't let me! *pouts* So, she and my sister will go and I have to watch it at home, alone... I think I need chips.

My sister asked Rasmus and I to be more quiet, or as she said it, "get it overwith before I get home". She is such a darling *eyeroll*